So What's the Good News?
Posted on 01/16/2010 at 01:19 PM

Well 2010 is turning out to be a doozy isn’t it? So far we have a rather dubious healthcare bill on the brink of being flushed down the toilet, a near-collapsed banking system whose overseers gave the US taxpaying citizens a great big F.U. by awarding their “talent” the largest bonuses yet, NBC pretty much killed late night TV leaving us with little more than yuckmeisters Kimmel and Fallon, and there was an earthquake of epic proportion eclipsing both the tsunami in Southeast Asia and our own crown jewel catastrophe, Hurricane Katrina.

The only good news is that FoxNews finally signed Sarah Palin to a contract. Anything that keeps her out of public office is fine by me. Frankly I wish it were an exclusive contract because then I could change the channel and never have to see her again. Well, that is until those amateur home porn movies (which I’m fairly certain exist) surface.

Fortunately in these uncertain times there are things we can depend on, like Rush Limbaugh. As if on cue, he spouts an idiotic comment that Obama’s swift action to send aid to Haiti was just an effort to make political brownie points with blacks. Rush continually makes comments like this then eventually insists that he’s not a racist. To that I say, “take off the hood Grand Wizard, we can’t understand what you’re saying.”

Maybe I’m too hard on Rush. After all he was just suffering from chest pains a week or so ago. What with the death and destruction in Haiti, Rush’s ailments have fallen off the news pages. In case you missed or ignored it, he complained of chest pains he insisted were real even though doctors said he had no sign of heart attack or heart disease. Clearly they weren’t pangs of guilt, so it truly is a medical mystery. With all of his persisting health problems it’s a crying shame he’s never stricken with acute and chronic laryngitis.

Rush isn’t the only person saying stupid things. Of course Pat Robertson chimed in saying that Haiti is cursed because of a pact with the devil. Comments like that make me somewhat melancholy and I miss the days when Jerry Falwell was with us because he’s the only person who could match or even best Pat’s level of absurdity. There’s nothing like the reassuring words of a good Reverend in a time of crisis to lift one’s spirits.

Actually, the thing I read that irritated me the most was a comment someone made on my other favorite online space Talking Broadway’s “All that Chat.” Basically, Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS posted a press release announcing they had “contributed $100,000 to UNICEF in the name of the Broadway community to assist in the Haitian relief efforts.”

That didn’t irritate me, it was some jacka**’s response that ticked me off. He wrote, “This [UNICEF] is not an organization the theatre community and theatre patrons decided to support. When we donate our time or your [sic] money it is for Broadway Cares, not for Broadway Cares to give to Gay Marriage Organizations or to help Earthquake survivors in another country.”

Fear not, the bitchy show queens on that board wasted no time in chewing him a new one. You think comics are sharp with the comeback? You ain’t heard nothin’ until you’ve heard the rant of a chorus boy with his dance belt in a twist.

Oh, and speaking of gays…did you hear? The US Supreme Court is taking up a First Amendment challenge to a court order to release names of people who signed a petition to repeal Washington State’s same-sex domestic partnership law.

Basically, opponents to gay rights collected over 138,000 signatures on petitions to repeal Washington State’s same-sex domestic partnership law. The law was not repealed but several advocacy groups have sought the list of signatures because they are a matter of public record. They, of course, intend to publish the names on the Internet so everyone knows who they are.

The lawyers for the opposition are saying their clients are subject to “threats, harassment, and reprisals” if their names are made public, and (ironically) releasing their names inhibits the right to free speech.

Okay first, “threats, harassment, and reprisals” is really the sort of the thing a same-sex domestic partnership law is seeking to fend off for same-sex couples, so to that I say, “to-may-to, to-mah-to.” But more importantly, how is not releasing the names protecting free speech? Part of free speech is taking whatever lumps come along with the asinine things you choose to espouse. The folks who are concerned with this should take the example set by their leader, Rush himself. He says something ridiculous and people pounce. Long story short, if you aren’t willing to speak out loud, then keep your mouth shut…and your signature off petitions.

To be fair, I think the same-sex couples have the right to know who is working to deny their rights because they should have the right to not to patronize your business, not go to your church, pull their child out of your class or move out of your neighborhood if they so choose.

So it seems that with all the bullsh*t 2010 is heaping onto our plates, we’re going to have to try harder than ever to find the funny in it all. And why not, what else do we have to do? Happy New Year!

The Age of Facebook
Posted on 12/07/2009 at 12:05 AM

The last time I sat down to write material, and that was about a year ago, Facebook was one of the topics I tackled. Within about three performances I noticed that pretty much all comic had at least one Facebook bit or joke. With the exception of George Bush, never have I found a topic so rife with possibilities.

The first few lines I wrote had to do with the self-importance with which people made their updates. I don’t understand why people are compelled to share with the world that they’re putting a pot roast in the oven or that they’ve just changed into their “pee-jays.” That doesn’t keep me from unremittingly reading them all, mind you, inquiring minds want to know. I’m just admitting that I don’t care. I’m always floored by status updates like “Johnny just came in from playing and has a bloody nose.” Not for nothing, but instead of posting it on the Internet shouldn’t you be, oh say, doing something about it?

Interestingly enough, this past week I came across three news items that all involved Facebook. The first, and no surprise, was Salahis Breach Found on Facebook. At the hearing regarding the White House security breach, Mark Sullivan who is head of the Secret Service was questioned about how it was discovered that Skankytw*t and Needled*ck had entered the festivities. He ultimately had to reply, “Uh, facebook.”

I swear to God that with a little ingenuity and patience, Osama bin Laden could be tracked down on Facebook. He’s hiding out in a cave, what else does he have to do? “Ayman al-Zawahiri, confirm. Abu Ayyub al-Masri, confirm. Hillary Clinton, ignore.” Shoot, he’s probably taking the “Which Arabian Princess Are You” quiz as we speak.

To no surprise Sarah Palin is using Facebook to spread her usual tripe. During her interview with conservative radio host Rusty Humphries, she said how much she loved Facebook because she could get her message out there without having to go through the liberal mainstream media. In other words, people who might actually question what she was saying.

I had never heard of Rusty Humphries before this interview. I had, however vaguely recalled hearing of Rusty Humps, a retired burlesque queen living out her twilight years in Duluth Minnesota…

…but Rusty Humphries is just another pasty, overweight windbag. You know the type, the kind of guy whose bust you would carve out of cottage cheese.

Anyway, during the interview, Palin went on to say that President Obama’s birth certificate is “rightfully” an issue with the American public, and that it is “fair game” for politicians to question Obama’s citizenship. Quote, “I think the public rightfully is still making it an issue,” and “I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t know if I would have to bother to make it an issue, because I think that members of the electorate still want answers.”

My knee-jerk reaction to that was, “Isn’t there still a ‘birth certificate’ issue in her closet as well?” I suspect many people thought the same and hit her back with it because below was her Facebook post.

Stupid Conspiracies—Voters have every right to ask candidates for information if they so choose. I’ve pointed out that it was seemingly fair game during the 2008 election for many on the left to badger my doctor and lawyer for proof that Trig is in fact my child. Conspiracy-minded reporters and voters had a right to ask...which they have repeatedly. But at no point - not during the campaign, and not during recent interviews - have I asked the president to produce his birth certificate or suggested that he was not born in the United States.

Thank goodness for Facebook because if she had said that in the liberal mainstream media, they might have pointed that out that the issue surrounding Obama’s birth certificate has been debunked many times over. So she either keeps spouting this malarkey to keep her less enlightened minions fired up; or she doesn’t know, in which case a quick trip to Snopes.com would set her straight.

The last Facebook post I bring up is perhaps the most heinous. You’ve probably never heard of him, I certainly hadn’t, but meet Russell Wiseman. He is the mayor of Arlington, Tennessee.

Here is what this moldy toe jam posted on his Facebook page last Tuesday evening.

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation about it....w...hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’....”

He also went on to say, “...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that’s America....pitiful.” and “you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........”

Please note that the misspellings, missing capitalization and aberrant ellipses are his, not mine.

So just to be clear, this scrotum rash thinks President Obama is Muslim (again I’ll refer him to Snopes.com); the speech regarding the war in Afghanistan was scheduled purposely to pre-empt “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” ostensibly because it has a Christian message; we live in a Muslim country; and the problems we face today would be solved by slavery…

I know it’s just a town in Tennessee, but he is an elected official after all.

Not So Newsworthy News
Posted on 12/03/2009 at 05:36 PM

I was reading in the Metro today (that’s the free daily paper I pick up each morning for the horoscope and sudoku) and learned that researchers at the University of Montreal discovered that all men watch porn. Actually, they set out to do a study comparing the differences in behavior between men who look at pornography and men who do not. What they found, and you can’t make this sh*t up, was when they went looking for subjects for the “don’t look at porn” portion of the study, they couldn’t find any. Hence, their ultimate finding was that all men look at porn. Perhaps it doesn’t rank up there with the accidental scientific discovery of oh, say, penicillin, but I still thought it was pretty interesting.

If you don’t pick up the Metro on a daily basis, I highly recommend it. It’s generally full of all sorts of little tidbits to occupy your brain throughout an otherwise dull and dreary day. For example, today there was a feature about Alton DuLaney.

What, you’ve never heard of Alton DuLaney? Why he’s only the most gifted gift wrapper in the US, or maybe the world for that matter. To substantiate his claim, last year Scotch Brand bestowed upon him the title “Scotch Brand Most Gifted Wrapper” when he wrapped a baby grand piano. Alton is employed by Kate’s Paperie as their Director of Creative Services, has made his own gift wrap “rap” video and has appeared on several local morning shows.

You can read more about him here.

Alton gives me hope for the future. With unemployment at a 26-year high and President Obama’s job summit starting today, Alton proves that you can make a living by simply doing what you love. I’m inspired. As we speak I’m searching monster.com for the position of Absolut’s Director of Consumption.

There is also an article entitled, “Top Places to Hunt for Gems on Your Vacation.” There are actually people out there taking their families on vacation and making them pan for gold. I know gold is the only thing worth anything anymore, but is that what we’ve come to? “Find a big one Billy and next year we’ll go to Disney.”

The best part of today’s Metro was the highly ironic cover. The front page headline was College Life in the Biodorm with a subheading Timed showers, cardboard furniture and compost worm bins next to the bed. Below the headline is a picture for another article with the caption “Who needs to see the Rockefeller Center tree when there’s Lucy Spata’s front yard in Dyker Heights, Brooklyn? {page 5}”

These poor kids at Columbia University are using worms to dispose of their food scraps…

…and some chick in Brooklyn is lighting up her yard using roughly the same wattage it takes to power Canada.

My favorite part of the article, on page 5, “Brides posed for photos in front of her Las Vegas-bright Christmas displays. Kids cheered her 400-pound nephew dressed as Santa. Neighbors hated it.” Really? Random brides strolling through neighborhood, lights that burn your retinas and the exploitation of a fat kid…what’s not to love?

I do have one minor gripe with the Metro…their suggestions for holiday gifts for guys. I don’t know who they have selecting these gifts, Alton perhaps, but a heads up to the ladies reading Metro, no girl should give her boyfriend a “manly” candle…

…unless she’s also prepared to give him Barbra Streisand’s “Love Is the Answer” CD, a Jeff Stryker dildo and an evening alone.

One Unfortunate Incident After Another
Posted on 12/01/2009 at 03:27 PM

I hope the clock has started ticking already on Tareq and Michaele Salahi’s 15 minutes of fame. By now all of us know them as the couple that crashed the state dinner at the White House. So much hoo-ha has been made about them getting past the security guards and the Secret Service not checking with the White House Social Secretary, etc. My question is, “Once they were in, why weren’t they escorted out?” Doesn’t the White House have doors that work both ways?

Supposedly all this will come out in the investigation. Not for nothing, but this country is fighting two wars, drowning in debt and vehemently arguing the issue of healthcare. Do we really have the time, resources, energy or patience to “investigate” these two nimrods?

I think the Supreme Court just needs to make a ruling that they are not allowed to be on the “Real Housewives of DC,” and that all their social networking privileges are to be revoked. If you act like children, you are punished like children. They will have to sit at home and be regular people, unless they earn their fame fair and square. You know, like if he goes tranny and elopes with Chaz Bono, or she gives birth to an orangutan.

I despise people like this. Their only goal in life is to be famous, no matter what and they’re succeeding which pi**es me off. I’m not such a pr*ck that I want to see people’s dreams shattered, but it’s not like these two are out to cure cancer or feed starving children. On the Today Show they said they were “devastated” by the label “crashers,” so I will refrain from calling them that, and from now on refer to them as Skankytw*t and Needled*ck. Oh come on, you know she douches with Drano and a toilet brush, and he needs a tweezers to take a p*ss. Put yourself in the public eye and you set yourself up for public ridicule, so as is my right, I will.

On to other news, here is a little tidbit I came across, Solange Magnano: Former Miss Argentina Dies From Cosmetic Buttocks Surgery.

This is tragic indeed. A 38-year-old mother of twins died because she wanted a better a**. The funny part is (ironic funny, not ha-ha funny) that her close friend Roberto Piazza said the procedure involved injections and the liquid went into her brain.

Many times I have joked about people having their brains in their a**es, and here this poor woman…well…enough said.

So then there’s Tiger Woods. We all know he had an accident, but no one knows what happened. Tiger is refusing to speak to the press or the police, but the National Enquirer says he was having an extra-marital affair which has led other celebrity watchers to report that the “accident” was actually a good old-fashioned a**whiping from his wife Elin Nordegren.

I don’t know what I’m bound to believe. There was a time I would have disregarded the National Enquirer but they gained all new respect in my book when they broke the John Edwards’ story. They still have no integrity, but that doesn’t mean they’re inaccurate.

It was assumed that the mistress in question was this woman, Rachel Uchitel…

…but while she has denied ever having sexual relations with Tiger, this woman Jaimee Grubbs…

…told Us Weekly that she had over 20 sexual encounters with Tiger and has over 300 text messages to prove it. Curious to see what they say. I’m thinking maybe something about a “hole in one”, “playing the back nine” “how many strokes he takes, “his ball range,” “length of his putter,” you know, that sort of thing.

Looking at all the women above, we know one thing that gets him off for sure…bad highlights. Ba doom ching. Until the next time, folks.

It Ain't That Bad, and It'll Get Better
Posted on 11/25/2009 at 01:29 PM

Writing felt so good yesterday that I’m going to do it again today. I realize that mentality can get you into trouble if your talking about carnal or libationary impulses, but I think in this circumstance it’s okay.

I realized three things yesterday; 1) how much I miss writing and performing, 2) how sadly out of practice I am, and 3) the consensus is that the Soapbox ain’t what it was. One of my goals for 2010 is to get back into the swing of things and blog regularly. Writing is a much-needed creative outlet and it helps keep my material fresh. Hopefully it’ll also help bring some of the Soapbox’s mojo back. I miss it. Oh, and I also started a new day job so I have plenty of on-the-clock-time to devote to it.

I was walking to my new job yesterday, which is in Rockefeller Plaza and was noticing all of the Christmas hoo-ha pretty much in full swing.

To be honest, this is the first time I’m perfectly okay experiencing Christmas before Thanksgiving, mostly because I’m glad 2009 is almost over. Good riddance. The first part of the year was clouded by the passing of a family member. Then to make matters worse, while I was home for the funeral I received news that my daytime job (which had already handed me a 15% pay reduction) was cutting my hours in half. That quickly led to complete unemployment. I was one more casualty of the country’s dire financial crisis. This particularly griped my a** because I was working for one of the major banks that received a good chunk of my tax money as a bailout. A**holes.

The first few weeks of unemployment felt like a vacation. I went for long walks, visited museums, window-shopped, etc. However as the weeks became months, it felt as if I was on a countdown to financial catastrophe and I started to get depressed. Basically I spent May–August in my underwear sitting in front of a fan, eating popsicles, and selling my belongings on eBay.

As Barry Manilow would say, “I made it through the rain,” or at least a long and humid summer and I landed a new job in October. On one hand I’m woefully underpaid, but on the other hand I don’t really do anything so I guess it all comes out in the wash. The only complaint I have is that I have a co-worker who chews ice incessantly.

No, you don’t understand, it’s an obsessive compulsion. It was noticeable from the very first day. I was like, “Damn, why don’t you just pull up a chalkboard and scratch your fingernails all day?” At least that wouldn't be as irritating.

Then I did a little research. Habitual ice chewing indicates one of two things, anemia or full-tilt-and-boogie craziness. In this case I'm inclined to think it's the latter and it scares me. One of the few conversations I had with her was about how depressed her boyfriend was. She said, “His only solace is FOXNews.” You know she’s going to snap. It’s just a matter of time.

My year was not completely without humor. There were a few lighthearted moments that helped keep my tenuous sanity in tact, like the night a friend of mine contemplated that if gay men dress as Judy Garland when they do drag...

...who do lesbians dress as?

Or another evening not too long ago I had a lengthy discussion with another friend about the woman on the Tyra Banks Show who had two vaginas. That was a rip-roaring conversation, much to the chagrin of the family sitting next to us in the diner. “Not that one honey, the good vagina is for company.”

Funeral aside, I got to spend some quality time with my family as well. So who am I to complain? Life is basically good…and I imagine even better if you have two vaginas.