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Fat Bastard News Flash

| 1 Comment | 5279 Views | Back to top | Posted on 04/17/2006 at 02:42 PM

I'm really glad I don't have a car right now. With predictions that gas will climb to over $3 a gallon this summer, my heart goes out to all of you who have to fill a gas tank to facilitate your creative pursuits or, for that matter, just live life.

I'd like to familiarize everyone who pulls up to a gas pump with this man.

Take a good look at this ugly mug because that's where your money is going. His name is Lee Raymond, the retiring CEO of Exxon, and he's receiving a package worth nearly $400,000,000. I could write it $400 million or $400M but I think it's important to see just how many zeros that number requires. The package includes home and personal security. With Americans paying $3 a gallon to support this fat f*ck, I can see why he needs somebody watching his back.

Since I don't spend my money on gas I splurge at Starbuck's. A lot of people hate Starbucks and love to complain and/or make jokes about paying so much for a cup of coffee. But I don't mind paying the premium because Starbucks provides health insurance for all their employees who work more than 20 hours.

Now, me personally, I don't have health insurance because I'm only a temp/comic and we all know health insurance isn't a perk of being a temp/comic. But I do get some satisfaction knowing that my splurge at Starbucks is helping to pay for a barrista's insulin somewhere. That's a much better feeling than the one I would get knowing that the $3 a gallon I spent at the gas pump was providing some greedy bastard $20 bills with which to wipe his fat pimply ass.

In other news, Jeff Skilling, former Enron CEO will be cross examined by the director of the Justice Department's Enron Task Force.

The Justice Department's goal, of course, is to jog Skilling's memory about his participation is this country's largest corporate corruption scandal ever. The AP reminds us that it was Skillings actions that caused, "Enron's swift flameout" and "left thousands of workers jobless and wiped out billions from investors."

In his previous testimony he attributed Enron's downfall to "bad publicity" and "lost market confidence. " I think he's suffering from dementia because as I recall it, it was Enron's collapse that CAUSED the bad publicity and lost market confidence. Not the other way around...idiot.

Next up, the Rev. Fred Phelps. For all the blog entries I've written, I can't believe I've never had the occasion to mention this a**hole before. Pretty much all you need to know about him can be found at his website, No, that's not a joke, that's the honest truth.

And yes, the sign behind him does say, "Thank God for Sept. 11." because, according to the good Reverend, that was God's punishment to the US for being a bunch of buttf*ckers.

Anyway, he and his Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS first came to national attention when they picketed the funeral of Matthew Shepard. Since Matthew Shepard's murder was a highly sensationalized and controversial death it sort of made perverse sense that extremists like that would protest and yell hateful things at his funeral.

Surely you all remember Matthew Shepard the young gay kid who was beaten to death in Wyoming. A little known and interesting fact is that even though his death was pegged a hate crime, evidence and confessions later arose that strongly suggested his murder was not a hate crime but rather drug related...but that's not my point.

Rev. Phelps' followers sunk to a new low when they protested the funeral of Cpl. David A. Bass, a 20-year-old marine who was killed in Iraq on April 2. They stood outside with placards that said "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" and "Thank God for I.E.D.'s," referencing bombs that kill service members in the war.

I'm about as anti-war as they come and even I have to say, "Why the f*ck would people do such a shameful thing?" The answer? They believe God is killing soldiers to punish America for condoning homosexuality.

What sort of warped mind would make sense out of an idiotic statement like that, you ask? Well, the minds of the 6 to 20 people who, since last summer, have been showing up at soldiers' funerals with signs and tattered American flags yelling words of comfort and sympathy like, "You're going to hell!"

The late Cpl. Bass should be honored that his funeral was graced by the presence of Rev. Phelps' 80-year-old wife. According to the New York Times she was wearing her running shoes and carried a sign that read "Tennessee Taliban." Like Lee Raymond and his security detail, I can see why this old battleaxe needs running shoes. It is also reported that she is often given the task of driving the pickup trucks that take the church members to the protest site and that she needs a stack of pillows to prop her up high enough to see over the dashboard.

I always thought it would be wrong to push an old lady to the ground and kick her in her moldy tw*t but Mrs. Reverend Phelps is making me rethink my opinion. She sounds like a tough old bitch who just might fight back. Hey, I just had a great idea for a reality show I could pitch to FOX, Robby and the Mrs. Reverend Phelps.

I don't know what more to say about it other than, if you want to pick on fags then pick on fags, they can take care of themselves...they're used to it. But leave dead soldiers and their families alone, that's just disrespectful, stupid and hateful. Why is it people like these Fat Bastards always fill my mind with ideas to stuff in Al Qaeda's suggestion box?

Here I am getting all riled up and it was Easter yesterday and everything, dammit.

I hate people like that
Posted on 04/18/2006 at 12:30 PM by Kelly Shannon

What happened to the part of the bible that says GOD made man in his own image? Love they brothers and sisters? I guess I was just blessed to have been brought up by parents who taught me to take people as WHO they are not WHAT they are. And because of trying to live my life that way, I have also been blessed with friends of every race,religion, color etc. It also means if I hate your ass, it is probably for a good reason.

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