Comedians! Want to email every college booker in the country?


THE DAY I RECEIVED A CALL FROM DUSTIN "SCREECH" DIAMOND FROM 'SAVED BY THE BELL' Several years ago I got a call out of the blue "Hey this is Dustin Diamond..Screech from Saved by the Bell. I was given your number from a booker saying that you know a lot about computers and have a lot of computer material." Apparently he had a Microsoft corporate gig in Central Park in NYC the next day and him and his manager wanted me to help Dustin get through the corporate gig. They were told I have done corporate shows and do a lot of computer material so I would be able to get him clean, computer related material.

We talked on the phone for over and hour and then met up at night. His so called manager was sleeping on his couch. Dustin is afraid that he has only shit and dick jokes which would not go over well for a Corporate crowd of guys in expensive suits etc. I am told that Microsoft has optioned Dustin for about 8 more high paying corporate shows based on his performance in this show so he's shitting bricks. He scared so shitless that I even make the mistake of saying "If you really blank and need's some of my material that I use. Just use it for tomorrow." Now I'm not saying he stole any of my stuff but let me know if he has any strong computer material.

Anyway, we spend hours upon hours going over tons of material and working on his presentation. I even go so far as to bring my videocamera along and document the whole event. We arrive in Central Park for the unveiling of Microsoft's MSN 8.0. Millions are being spent on this. Dustin's show is to have a different celebrity per hour entertain. We arrive backstage and are now given notice that Dustin is not to mention or joke about AOL, Microsoft..basically no computer material etc. Dustin goes "I can't do this." Gets worse. We look beyond the curtain and it's all KIDS!!! Little 4-8 years olds running around. Dustin goes "Fuck this. They don't know who Screech is and I have no material they will understand. Fuck this." We manage to get the coordinator to let Dustin host a Karoake show with the kids and it goes off perfectly. Dustin plays his goofiness off while the kids come onstage and stare out speechless in complete stage fright. I must say I was impressed that he handled the situation and improvised with songs off the top of his head with the children. Guess you have no choice when $100,000 in corporate gigs is on the line.

As soon as Dustin gets offstage you'll never guess who went on. Ice-T. That's right. The rapper, actor and newly minted hardcore motivational speaker came jousting out on stage with full force from his usual high school and college scared straight speeches. At the top of his voice you hear "I WAS A PIMP. I WAS IN GANGS. I WAS SHOT..STABBED. LOOK AT THAT (holding up his shirt to expose scars) ME AND MY NIGGAS AND SHIT!" The expression on these 4 year olds faces were priceless. "THEY TOLD ME TO KEEP IT CLEAN AND NOT CURSE. BUT FUCK THAT I HAVE TO KEEP IT REAL. I'M FROM THE STREETS. AIGHT"

And before you know it they brought Dustin and Ice-T back onstage for photos. What a duo. After the show I told Dustin and his manager I'll get the video to them that day since I have to transfer it. Of course even after warning them that a 8mm tape shot in a Digital 8 camera will not play in a 8mm camera, they demanded the tape probably assuming I was going to profit for it. After parting ways I was told through my agent that Dustin's manager did not want to pay me the agreed amount since Dustin didn't need the material after all. Cheap fuck. I put in extra hours, volunteered to let him use professional material and taped 2 hours for Dustin just to have this pudgy little prick say that they didn't need me after all. Plus the fact that they threw out the tape since it didn't play in their 8mm camera. Idiot. Eventually I settled on a low payment with the manager in order to get something and realized the important lesson of not needing to go out of your way for people when they don't deserve it.

Posted on 09/16/2005 at 03:07 AM by Bill Blank

Dude, I blogged a long time ago about that hack jerk off! It may still be in the archives if you look, but I may have deleted it. I met him, he's a little bitch, and you just reiterated all of it! Let that be a lesson, NEVER sell out comedy by giving an actor who is just whoring himself solid material he doesn't deserve to be doing. I'm not calling you a sellout, I'm just saying I feel your pain!

It is
Posted on 09/16/2005 at 03:14 AM by Bill Blank

the blog is in my archives, it's called SOMEONE SUCKS!

I Am So Jealous
Posted on 09/16/2005 at 09:02 AM by Adam Sank

This is one of those stories I wish had happened to me so that I could tell it EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Tim, if you didn't sign a confidentiality contract, I urge you to get this published -- might I suggest GQ? They always run quirky, true-life experiences. Cheers.

Dude....say 'Goodbye' to your AOL material...
Posted on 09/16/2005 at 09:18 AM by Chris McDevitt Find his story about working a weekend with Screech.

Screech sucks
Posted on 09/29/2005 at 09:48 PM by Elliot Anderson

Check out this website dedicated to making fun of him and insuating that he is gay:

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