"Children enjoy watching parades for only two reasons: to get free candy and to see things poop. So if you're one of these people who enter a parade with no candy to throw, you'd better be dropping your drawers."

"I read a statistic recently that, in this country, someone is hit by a car every five minutes. How'd you like to be that guy?"

"My wife and I are socially active. She supports abstinenece programs. I keep telling her, "but we're married!"

"I have a cousin in the mid-West that is a real-life Spiderman. He got bitten by an exotic spider, too, but the only difference is, instead of developing the ability to climb buildings or shoot webs, he died. He had allergies."

"I was sitting in the kitchen last week when I got a call. The guy asked for Jack. I don't know a Jack, but the guy insisted he didn't have the wrong phone number. I was confused. I looked around. I was in the wrong house."

"Naming babies is hard. My wife likes a lot of older sounding names, like Cecil or Colby. I prefer newer sounding names, like Tom.com."

"My son was born in 1998. My daughter was born in 1999. We tried to have a third child, but my wife's uterus wasn't Y2K compliant."

"I have a childhood friend that died of Lyme Disease from drinking too much Sprite. He obeyed his thirst when he should have obeyed his doctor."

"Homeschooling our children isn't that hard. My daughter is 6 and my son is 7 and they both speak perfect cursive."

"One of the miracles of Jesus you never hear about is that, according to my Bible, he also had the ability to speak entirely in the color red."

"I saw a sign on some corkboard the other day - a kid looking for odd jobs. So I hired him to wax my cat."

"My uncle is one of these people with a polarizing personality. You know the type? Either you wish you'd never met him, or you've never met him."

Thank you for congratulating me (and reading my blog)! Take care, Sue
      -Sue Kelly