Comedians! Want to email every college booker in the country?


Celebrity Income Breakdown

  • Kellyanne Conway – 18% Political Consulting Fees; 50% White House Salary; 32% Royalties from the Wizard of Oz (Wicked Witch)
  • Vladimir Putin     – 22% President Salary; 60% Oil & Gas Investments; 18% ‘Sexy espionage chat-line’ with U.S. officials
  • Justin Bieber     – 70% Music & tickets sales; 19% T-Shirt Endorsements; 11% Don’t wear a t-shirt endoresements
  • Barack Obama     – 10% Book Sales; 62% Speaking Fees; 28% Sexy photo-ops with Sir Richard Branson
  • Hillary Clinton     – 19% Speaking fees; 33% Political consulting fees; 47% Japanese robot teaching fees
  • Ivanka Trump     – 15% Trump International; 55% Ivanka Trump Line; 30% Kellyanne Conway Referrals to the Ivanke Trump Line
  • Melania Trump  – 29% Melania Trump Line; 71% Air-Bnb
  • Adele     – 32% Music & ticket sales; 68% Break-up ringtone downloads
  • The German Shepherd that won Best In Show at 141st Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show – 72% Winnings;  18% Signature dog biscuit line; 10% Royalties for using his fire hydrants
  • The Trainer of the The German Shepherd that won Best In Show at 141st Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show – 68% Winnings of dogs; 12% Training Fees; 20% Sales of his own fertilizer
  • The American Girl Boy Doll – 76% Sales; 24% Income from being the ‘man of the house’
  • The American Girl Doll – 84% Sales; 16% Child Support (she divorced the ‘man of the house’)


Buzzfeed is Running out of lists

  • 11 robots that have more personality than Hillary Clinton
  • 12 people left, that Donald Trump hasn’t lashed-out at on Twitter
  • 15 crazy plots for new Marvel Comics movies
  • 23 dirty names substituted for ‘Amal’ Clooney
  • 15 things broken by Beyonce fans after she didn’t win
  • 18 things Drake said when helping talk a suicidal man off a bridge
  • 12 Selena Gomez ‘Sugar Momma’ dutues
  • 19 trendy love words (like ‘bae’ and ‘boo’) that are not allowed in Scrabble
  • 24 offensive chalk-heart Valentine’s Day sayings
  • 12 other things Kellyanne Conway is promoting on 24 hour news
  • 13 things that would make Sean Spicer’s head explode
  • 17 offensive things PewDiePie will do now that Disney dumped his ass




Foreign Affairs: “The World Trumpet”

TREVOR: Since Donald Trump became President, he has embarked on a whirlwind tour of interactions with the world’s top leaders—all from his iPhone <PR>.  Some good, some bad, but most ugly—very ugly <W>!  Tonight we take a closer look, and for that we go to <correspondent name>, who is live in Canada! You’re stuck in Canada, due to the travel ban—I thought that applies to 7 Middle Eastern nations…

REPORTER: …6 AND Canada!  When asked why, Donald Trump tweeted “Why Not?!” <W>! According-to another Tweet, he said: “Recently visited Canada! They built a nice country, but nobody showed-up” <M>.

T: Now that is not true!

R: These are Alternative Tweets, Trevor <PR>.  But very emblematic of President Donald Trump’s recent interactions with foreign leaders—he’s like a bully that manages to scrutinize all of his fellow classmates, through Twitter, before school even starts <C>

R: Donald Trump hung up on Australia’s prime minister.  He said it was over the meaning of the word ‘Football’ <W>.  Now, we all know the difference between the two sports—nobody pays attention to one and the other is played at the Superbowl <M>!

T: But what about Cricket?

R: Cricket has unlimited talk and data—I love their cell phone service! <W>.

T: I’ll forgive your ‘American Exceptionalism’ until the next sentence <M>, but who else has Donald Trump pissed off?

R: Trump was sounding-off about Mexico building a wall, then Mexican President Nieto didn’t like it and was ‘thinking’ of rescheduling his meeting, when Trump pulled the plug on it over Twitter!

T: So Trump told him to ‘stay behind a wall that’s ‘not yet built!?!’—how humiliating! <!>

R: Yes, and Trump wants to bite off more than he can chew in England—he’s asking the Queen to play golf with him (and ‘one-up’ President Obama).  This is a problem because it would require the Queen to break protocol, which Donald Trump associated with C3P0 from Star Wars, up-to this point <PR>.

T: Well, he’s sounding a lot like Emperor Palpatine at this point <TAG>

R: Exactly, which explains why he said that German Chancellor Angela Merkel made a ‘catastrophic mistake’ by letting a million ‘illegals’ into her country.

T: For helping tired, poor, and huddled masses, yearning to breathe free?!  How dare she?!!? <W>

R: Yes—and speaking of tired, all of this has occurred within the last 14 days—so I took a trip to Canada to get some rest!

T: ….and hibernate <W>. Thank you!

Hasan-The-Record: “Ethics”

It seems that nearly all headlines concerning Donald Trump have to do with Ethics, either directly, e.g. is the Muslim Ban Constitutional, or indirectly, i.e. PICK ANY TWEET! <!>.  In case you haven’t noticed, nearly every day since his inauguration, Donald Trump is SPINNING-OUR-WHEELS over things he says and does, most of them routine media distractions, but others that clearly test the boundaries of his power <SNEEZING: IVANKA LINE!> <!>.  It’s like we’re all in a SAW movie, and we’re scrambling for that one TWEET to let us out <PR>! [in Jigsaw voice]à “The device you’re wearing is logged into Twitter <TAG>. How much blood will you Tweet to stay alive <TAG>?”

Okay, we get it, the ‘Office of the President’ is powerful, that’s why they call it, whether you’re here or in Zimbabwe, the ‘LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD’.  But Freedom has its limits…we don’t know what those are yet <M> and by the looks of it, neither does The President <TAG>!

The federal judge who blocked President Trump’s MUSLIM BAN is an appointee of President George W. Bush to the federal bench.  The order on Friday, by Judge James Robart of the Federal District Court in Seattle, reversed The President’s ‘MUSLIM BAN’!  It drove Mr. Trump CRAZY–he repeatedly Tweeted in-disgust of the ruling, denigrating Judge Robart as a ‘SO-CALLED-JUDGE’ and described the judge’s order as ‘ridiculous’, even going to far as to blame any terrorist attacks, that may occur while the Muslim Ban is suspended, on this judge and the courts!  That’s like making laws to prohibit animal abuse, and blaming every dog bite on the judge who ruled that those abuse laws are valid <C>.

Critics that have lambasted President Trump for supposedly ‘never have read a book’ may be correct! The balance of power between the branches of government is something we learn in the 4th Grade <!>! Trump is using Twitter as his Bullhorn and sounds like Foghorn Leghorn <W>.  LUDICROUS, but here we are, again, hanging on every character…when there’s 140 characters <M>.  The bottom-line is that yes, the President can say PRETTY MUCH anything he wants, when he wants, just like any American Citizen utilizing their First Amendment rights, but HECKLING the judiciary is quite DOUCHIERY <W>!  The judicial branch of government checks the executive branch, especially during instances of executive orders.  Sending mean tweets to or calling-into-question legitimate judges that are doing nothing more than THEIR JOBS is the equivalent of Facebook Messaging your parents when they ground you—YOU’RE IN THE 4TH GRADE DONNY, AND YOU DIDN’T DO YOUR HOMEWORKWE ALL KNOW THE JUDICIAL BRANCH CHECKS THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH <CB>!

The second, and even more blatant ethical offense this week, is when Kellyanne Conway, a senior White House adviser, delightfully promoted Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox & Friends, renamed “QVC: White House Edition” <PR>, in wake of Nordstrom stores pulling the Ivanka Trump brand from their shelves.  “That’s cartoonishly crass, but perhaps, not surprising, considering the example set by The President himself”, said the New York Times—BUT THEY’RE FAKE NEWS (WHAT DO THEY KNOW?!? <PR>!)  The President and his daughter have pledged to distance themselves from their various 3,456 businesses.  Ms. Trump has stepped away from her leadership role at the Ivanka Trump brand, and she and her father hae reigned as executives at the Trump Organization….but they’re still whining about it and sending out their minions to promote it <!>.

Since then, Kellyanne Conway was rebuked by the White House, and when asked about the remarks, White House press spokesman Sean Spicer pulled a Melissa McCarthy <PR> and said: “She has been counselled on that subject, and that’s it.” It was a clear admission that Conway, whose role is counsellor to Donald Trump, had overstepped the ethical boundary between the public and private roles of the Trump family – and a rare one for a White House that has been frequently criticized for its ethical standards.

And that says it all….we now have the EXTREME PRESIDENCY……where all of the lines are BLURRED and EVERTHING IS CRAZY ALL THE TIME.  I guess it’s our job to sift through the noise and pull-out nuggets like these and say ‘Uh-Uh!”


Pros and Cons: Watching TV

There are several 24-hour news stations to keep us informed The meaning of the word ‘news’ changes every 24 hours
Social Media & TV partner to keep you informed on what’s trending #EXTREMESEDENTARY
Reality TV gives us a peek into people’s everyday lives And is also used to train ISIS recruits.
Helps us learn about different people and places Without ever having to go there.
TV relieves stress It also relieves you of self-esteem
TV can help start a dialogue on social issues With yourself.
There are infinitely more channels So you can learn about the P90X on all of them at 2am


‘Thank You Cards’

  1. Thank you Jorts. For allowing me to turn my worn-out jeans into shorts.
  2. Thank you modern plumbing. For giving me a reason to go buy bottled water.
  3. Thank you retractable dog leash. I don’t have to leave rover in a hot car anymore.
  4. Thank you toothpaste. For using ‘mint’ as the base flavor and not ‘lint’.
  5. Thank you pizza bagel. For combining the regional cuisines of my favorite parts of Brooklyn.
  6. Thank you smiley face with 1 eye closed & tongue hanging-out. Now rover can text me an emoticon from the car.
  7. Thank you Melania Trump for staying out of the spotlight. There’s no con for this one.



JOKE KEY: =Comparison; =Wordplay; =Misdirection; =Pop Reference

President Trump enacted the second phase of his ‘civilization reform’ <W> on Friday.  Cheech & Chong breathed a sigh-of-relief as we forgot about Mexico and ‘The Wall’ for a second, at least until phase three, where we build a fucking dome around the United States and don’t let anyone in! <!> Don’t fuck with me America, you KNOW that’s the next step <!>.  Tough Immigration reform IS top priority in the new administration, as well as being critical of Saturday Night Live impersonations, and Celebrity Apprentice Ratings <PR>.  If you thought he just said racist shit here and there on Twitter and that was going to be it, BOY WERE YOU WRONG! <!>

Late Friday evening, President Donald Trump and his inner-circle of advisers, led by Chief Strategist and Grand Wizard Stephen K Bannon <PR>, drafted and issued an executive order ‘Immigration Ban’ that immediately blocked citizens and ALL REFUGEES of 7 “Muslim-Majority” nations, even preventing music group ‘The Fugees’, from entering the United States–that’s how over-reaching this executive order is <TAG>! This executive order unleashed chaos—U.S. Customs & Border Control, which reports to the Department of Homeland Security, had no knowledge of the order, nor were they consulted when it was drafted, so you can imagine, implementing it ‘on-the-fly’ was a wee-bit challenging <W>–basically they were immediately granted unlimited discretion/free reign to scrutinize travelers from Somalia, Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Sudan, Iran, and Syria at our nation’s airports, starting Friday Night.  That’s like, ‘if you think security are dicks’, they just got a green light to FUCK WITH YOU AS MUCH AS THEY WANT! <!> Over the weekend, it is estimated that 325,000 travelers from these countries were inconvenienced, with hundreds detained/held for further questioning—some even sent ‘back on the horse they rode in on’ <W>.  So basically, everyone except people sporting an American Flag tattoo and/or an Evel Knievel outfit were given shit <PR>.  This alleged ‘Muslim Ban’, which by the way, outdoes Secret and other leading deodorants <W>, immediately affected students, visitors, and green card holders, who were given a red-card upon arrival to the US <W>.  At least 20,000 more people will be affected.

Within hours, lawmakers on both sides questioned the constitutionality of Trump’s executive order, demonstrations began, and Papa John’s Deliverymen showed up with refreshments <PR>—THAT IS A TRUE STORY PEOPLE <TAG>! Federal Judges in 4 different states motioned to block the bill.  Reince Priebus, Trump’s Chief of odd names <W>, scaled-back, based on the backlash, to allow green-card carrying travelers back into The States—and no, he is not changing his name <TAG>.  There are already 27 lawsuits by plaintiffs who allege they were pressured/‘tricked’ into handing over their green-cards, visas taken, and sent back.  The ACLU Is furious, adding that ‘anyone with a valid Visa…or MasterCard…should be allowed into the country <PR>!  Trump wrote on Twitter that Homeland Security Secretary John F. Kelly said that ‘all is going well with very few problems. MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN!’ In other messages, Trump again cast his order as necessary to protect the country: There is nothing nice about searching for terrorists before they can enter our country. This was a big part of my campaign. Study the world!  Why don’t you study the fucking laws before you write shit like this?!?! <!>

The Department of Homeland Security said that “less than one percent” of international air travelers arriving Saturday in the United States were “inconvenienced” by the executive order — though the situation described by lawyers and immigrant advocates across the country ‘was one of widespread uncertainty and disorder at airports where travelers from the targeted countries were suddenly detained’.  Minimizing this is not the answer; that’s like saying ‘don’t worry about that cancerous fucking mole on my arm…..nothing to worry about! <C>’; ‘let’s carry on’ <TAG>

Now there are a ton of Jewish lawyers working round-the-clock at airports, monitoring the situation, and as if that wasn’t enough for them, Trump issued this decree on Holocaust Remembrance Day and omitted language specifically acknowledging Jewish Suffering at the Holocaust! How the fuck does this happen!?!? <!> How do you NOT acknowledge Jewish People on Holocaust day? That’s like endorsing the PRIDE parade and purposely NOT acknowledging the LGBTQ community <C>?  The PRIDE parade is for all people…especially THE LEPRECHAUNS—they love the fucking rainbows! <TAG>.

The acting Attorney General, Sally Yates, stood up to Trump over the weekend, declaring The Justice Department didn’t back Trump’s immigration order. She wrote that, as the leader of the Justice Department, Yates must ensure the department’s position is both “legally defensible” and “consistent with this institution’s solemn obligation to always seek justice and stand for what is right”, adding “At present, I am not convinced that the defense of the Executive Order is consistent with these responsibilities nor am I convinced that the Executive Order is lawful–for as long as I am the Acting Attorney General, the Department of Justice will not present arguments in defense of the Executive Order, unless and until I become convinced that it is appropriate to do so.”  Nice, eh?  Good for her!  She stood up to HIM!  Well, Trump fired her ass <PR> and issued a nasty statement immediately afterward about Yates, saying that she ‘BETRAYED him’ and claimed ‘[she] is an Obama Administration appointee who is WEAK on borders and very WEAK on illegal immigration.’  Who the fuck says shit like this? <!> And we don’t need to stop there— Senators John McCain and Linsdey Graham, who should ‘get a room’ <!>, also came under-fire from the president’s Twitter account, said in a joint-statement on Saturday: “It is clear from the confusion at our airports across the nation that President Trump’s executive order was not properly vetted,” adding “we are particularly concerned by reports that this order went into effect with little to no consultation with the Departments of State, Defense, Justice, and Homeland Security.” Trump returned fire Saturday by referring to the senators as “former presidential candidates” and calling them “sadly WEAK on immigration.” OKAY OKAY, let’s stop–if Stephen K. Bannon is a Sith Lord, then Trump is Emperor Palpatine <PR>; the Rule of Two <TAG>.  We don’t have to wait until next December until Star Wars comes out <TAG>.   Now, Trump’s administration, and the American People are ‘free-balling’ with no Attorney General, and Jeff Sessions, who is slotted to take the Attorney General’s office on Tuesday, may be blocked by the Rebel Scum Democrats <TAG>!

As far as the Magnificent 7 [countries] are concerned <PR>, the circular issued by the US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) could not be more opaque: “For the next 90 days, nearly all travelers, except US citizens, traveling from Iraq. Syria, Sudan, Iran, Somalia, Libya and Yemen will be temporarily suspended from entry to the United States.” But WHY these countries? The Trump administration points out that all were previously on a list of “countries of concern” that was compiled under president Obama, which IS true to an extent, but that was a TERROR WATCH LIST which targeted known terrorists and NOT citizens—President Obama said ‘leave me the fuck out of this’ <!>–vehemently denying involvement.  The difference here, between the Obama’s Terror Watch List and this ‘Muslim Ban’, is a substantial ‘but’’ the restrictions on the former were not aimed at citizens of these countries.  This order is aimed at those eligible for the Visa Waiver Program (VWP): people of dual nationality or — for example, someone of French or Belgian nationality who went to Iran or Iraq to ‘Party like it’s 1989’ <PR>. Those restrictions did not amount to a ban on entry but demanded much more information from applicants. By contrast, President Trump’s executive order is specifically aimed at nationals of the seven countries, not those who have traveled to those states, and it is an outright discriminatory ban. The executive order does not explain why these countries have been selected and other hostile nations, such as Canada or Sweden, have not <!>, except to say that “deteriorating conditions in certain countries due to war, strife, disaster, and civil unrest increase the likelihood that terrorists will use any means possible to enter the United States.” So shit sucks in their country, they’re bored, and that will make them want to come to the US and start trouble? A little far-fetched, don’t you think?!??! <!> The conditions in these countries offer at least some reasons for their inclusion, but not a complete picture. The main reason, according-to the US Customs and Border Patrol, was “the risk posed by the situation in Syria and Iraq, where instability has attracted thousands of foreign fighters, including many from VWP countries. Such individuals could travel to the United States.” I’m beginning to think this order was scribbled on a cocktail napkin at a bar <!>–I’ve been to Holland, but I’m not wearing wooden CLOGS <C>!

Let’s break this down, by country.  For Iraq & Syria, there are still thousands of foreign fighters there–ISIS has a substantial presence in both countries and is pledged to take its fight to western Europe and the United States, especially as its core territory shrinks.  In most instances, ISIS has used its pool of foreign fighters — especially Belgian and French citizens — to plan and carry out its overseas attacks, or sought to encourage others already living in the West to launch terror attacks.  This makes sense because they are technologically advanced, using MONSTER.COM for recruiting purposes <PR>.  In Yemen & Syria, Al Qaeda runs the circus and has repeatedly demonstrated its intent to launch attacks on the West. But not (so far) by trying to send Syrians or Yemenis abroad to join the Ringling Brother’s circus—they heard it was shutting down <PR>. The brothers who attacked the Charlie Hebdo offices were French but had spent time with al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP).  Other AQAP conspiracies have focused on trying to smuggle bombs on board civilian aircraft bound for the US, if you remember that fucking shoe bomber—now we all have to take off our shoes because of him <PR>, thank god he wasn’t the underwear bomber <TAG>!! In Somalia, the country has endured nearly three decades of civil war and terrorism, with Somali pirates leading the pack—Jack Sparrow-style <PR>! An unknown number of Americans of Somali descent — probably in the dozens — have come aboard and joined the group. Libya has become a base for ISIS in the last two years, since the oust of famous lady-boy & cross-dresser Mohammad Khadafy <PR>, but the group has lost its urban footholds in Derna and Sirte and retreated to the desert. In any case, many of its more important figures are not Libyan but Tunisian. Sudan was a base for al Qaeda in the 1990s when Osama bin Laden lived there, and has been designated a state sponsor of terrorism by the US for more than 20 years.  In only one instance have elements from Iran been allegedly involved in a plot in the US. In 2011, an Iranian-American who had lived in the US for decades hatched a plan to assassinate the Saudi Ambassador in Washington.  I know what you’re thinking: “thanks for giving us the run-down of the countries John, but the executive order mentions the failure to properly scrutinize visa applications of the 9/11 hijackers, most of whom were Saudis!  Why not them?” I read you all of that, because in its comprehensive review of terror cases in the US since 9/11, the New America Foundation noted that “every jihadist who conducted a lethal attack inside the United States since 9/11 was (an American) citizen or legal resident.”!!!  Now what?!!?  What the fuck?? <!>

Back to “the beef” a group of U.S. Officials that served both administrations signed a letter to President Trump, asking him to rescind the executive order, calling it inhumane, unnecessary, and outright dick-ish <W>, adding: “more than 800 refugees were set to go to America this week but are barred, and the 120-day halt on refugee resettlement could impact as many as 20,000 refugees. These poor refugees are anxious, confused, and want a Happy Meal <PR>.  This suspension is a ‘kick in the dick’ of what is already a lengthy process <!>. The Immigration Ban was condemned by religious groups, protesters, the Travel Gnome <PR>, and nearly all Democrats.  White House officials have played down the anger and chaos over the order, holding a briefing with reporters Sunday evening to argue that the rollout was “a massive success story”, of course—on Monday, White House press secretary and giant sportcoat wearer <PR> Sean Spicer defended the ban and its implementation. “You don’t know when the next attack’s coming” he said during the briefing, adding “And so the best you can do is to get ahead of it because if you wait, you’re going to be reacting. And what I think I want to be clear on is the president’s not going wait. He’s [President Trump] going to make sure he does everything in his power when he can to protect the homeland and its people.” THAT’S RIGHT—HE’S NOT GOING TO WAIT, do his homework and draft a piece of comprehensive legislation—he’ll shoot from the hip and piss off everyone! <!>  That’s what Trump does <!>!!  Meanwhile, President Trump continued on Monday to adamantly defend his order, despite mounting criticism, legal challenges and ‘what the fuck’ sentiments that stretched from Capitol Hill to the United Nations <!>.

HEADLINE (Vanity Fair): ‘Republican support for Donald Trump began to waver on Sunday after a weekend of backlash concerning the executive order closing the nation’s borders to refugees and banning immigration from certain Muslim-majority countries’; at least 20 G.O.P. lawmakers came out of the closet <W>, in opposition or declined to endorse what has been referred to as Trump’s “Muslim ban,” amid a deepening crisis at airports around the country, where chaos and confusion over the legal status of hundreds of travelers sparked the administration’s first constitutional conflict. Still, Republican leaders in Congress mostly stayed the course, shockingly House Speaker Paul Ryan supported Trump’s executive order, despite firmly criticizing the idea of a ban on Muslim entry during the primaries, before Trump made him his bitch <!>: “President Trump is right to make sure we are doing everything possible to know exactly who is entering our country,” Ryan said in a statement on Friday. A spokeswoman for Ryan on Saturday said Trump’s order ‘is not a religious test and it is not a ban on people of any religion,’ though the executive decree, if enacted as written, will ‘give priority to Christians persecuted in Muslim-majority countries!’  WAIT, WHAT?  You can’t say it’s ‘not a ban on people of any religion’, THEN, in the next fucking breath say that Christians will be given preferred treatment? <!> ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? <!> That’s like saying there’s no height restriction on amusement park rides, then 5 feet away, there’s the Road Runner holding his hand up at about 5 Feet, saying, ‘preferential treatment will be given to people this high or higher!’ <C>–you can’t say it’s not this, then say that’s what it is!!!

Democrats, many of whom joined protests over the weekend and tried to pressure U.S. Customs and Border Protection to allow legal advocates access to detained refugees, were ready to start some major shit. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said his party was ‘drafting legislation to peel back the ban’–crying while talking about this–Schumer broke down in tears on Sunday as he announced that Democrats are considering legislation to overturn Trump’s order, which bars people from seven countries — Syria, Sudan, Yemen, Iran, Iraq, Libya and Somalia — from entering the United States for 90 days.  Well, you know what happened next—THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! <PR>.  Trump mocked Schumer for crying during his speech, tweeting “Big problems at airports were caused by Delta computer outage, protesters and the tears of Senator Schumer.”  Adding, “I noticed Chuck Schumer yesterday with fake tears,” Trump said before a meeting with small-business leaders at the White House on Monday morning. “I’m going to ask him who was his acting coach. Because I know him very well and I don’t see him as a crier. If he is, he’s a different man.”  Trump truly is the master of 140 characters—he hit the trifecta of all slams here—he slammed him as a little girl (sexism), said it was disingenuous (liar), and blamed the airport problem on his tears (deflecting)—this is mastery!  <!>

Former President Barack Obama broke his silence on political issues for the first time since leaving office, and praised protesters who amassed across the country in opposition to President Donald Trump’s immigration orders, noting “I like Papa John’s also <PR>”, just kidding. He issued a statement, saying “[he] fundamentally disagrees with the notion of discriminating against individuals because of their faith or religion”, basically calling-out President Trump’s Muslim ban for what it is!  Obama added that he was “heartened” by the amount of engagement taking place in U.S. communities–pointing to his last official speech as president where he talked about Americans’ responsibility to be “guardians of our democracy,” even in nonelection years. “Citizens exercising their constitutional right to assemble, organize and have their voices heard by their elected officials is exactly what we expect to see when American values are at stake.” Then he dropped the mic <PR>!

But seriously folks, isn’t that what we’re talking about here?  Freedom, Democracy, the right to protest and get pizza delivered on-site <PR>!  You can’t, regardless of whether it was a campaign promise or not, craft a sweeping executive order with little or no input, that affects large swaths of the American people, and NOT expect there to be opposition, and when there is—address it poorly and unprofessionally! Not only is it wrong but it sets a bad precedent among the people and our partners throughout the world—they’re all watching, so if you’re going to treat this like reality TV, you might as well put on a noble performance! <!>.  This ‘Muslim Ban’ is just that—a blemish on our democracy—a zit on the forehead of America that is leading to a break-out of other problems close-by <C>; we just noticed it, but the breakout is getting bigger, uglier, and it won’t go away <TAG>.  Yes, there’s a problem with this particular executive order, but is this a sign of more pimples to come <TAG>.  Is this the new normal?  Is this what we can expect moving forward?  More hastily crafted executive orders and legislation that morally challenge the fabric upon which this country was built?  I hope not, but if you don’t call-out this sort of thing and continue to speak up, it can be.


JOKE KEY: =Comparison; =Wordplay; =Misdirection; =Pop Reference

JOKE #1: Trump canceled a meeting with Mexican President Enrique Peña and even sent back his piñata gift. Noting ‘it was probably filled with Mexicans’
JOKE #2: Trump says millions of people illegally voted in Election 2016. Coincidentally the same people that threw a 9/11 rooftop siesta.
JOKE #3: President Trump’s issued an Executive Order that could revive C.I.A. prisons. When asked about this, he commented ‘Black Sites Matter’
JOKE #4: Trump cuts federal spending and you can already see the results in New York City. The NYPD patrols in tiny smart cars and come armed with balloon swords.
JOKE #5: The Dow hit 20,000 yesterday. Trump’s team reported that it hit 200,000 and introduced an executive order to keep it there.
JOKE #6: Trump is obsessed with what his staff wears. Stephen K Bannon recently went to executive from Unabomber.
JOKE #7: The New York Times reports that people are happier ‘when they’re moving’. Said Trump, “about 10 million illegals will be very happy soon”
JOKE #8: A talking Heinz Ketchup bottle proposed a national holiday after Super Bowl Sunday while embracing a female mustard bottle. They use condoments.
JOKE #9: Carrie Fisher’s ashes are buried in a giant Prozac-pill urn. If you hit it, a hologram pops up and warns you against potential side-effects of agitation, hallucinations, and coma.
JOKE #10: Actor James Franco revealed there’s a third Franco brother! Fans took the news as a slap in the face, poke in the eye, then threw pies. slap in the face, poke in the eye, then threw pies.

Your Announcement Here!
Get seen by thousands of comedians, fans, and industry. As low as $5 a day!

Your Ad Here