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What's In My Pocket

| 0 Comments | 4254 Views | Back to top | Posted on 02/05/2007 at 11:15 PM

What you are about to read is a real and unfabricated (yes i know that's redundant, fuck off) list of what is in my coat pockets right now. This is NOT, i repeat, NOT a consolidated mixture of things I have had in my pockets at one time or another, but what is in my pockets as of this very moment.

1. An Ipod playing "Tommy" on a constant loop.

2. 30 stickers for "" promotion.

3. A Prayercard from my grandma's funeral.

4. Pictures of a girl that didn't like me in high school.

5. A pamphlet on dealing with loneliness.

Yeah, I'm as creeped out as you are. However, it could be much worse. For example, I could have:

1. An Ipod playing "The Catcher In The Rye" on a constant loop.

2. 30 stickers for ""

3. A Prayercard from the woman I called grandma but was really just an old lady I liked to masturbate to.

4. A picture of the girl that didn't like me in high school's vagina.

5. A pamphlet on dealing with pedophilia.

...Sleep well dear reader.

Fantasy Fist Fight

| 0 Comments | 4240 Views | Back to top | Posted on 12/20/2006 at 02:19 PM

Fantasy Fist Fight- noun. 1. a fictional battle waged between two or more entities. these entities may be people (living, dead, or fictional), animals, deities, forces of nature, etc. 2. a game often played by adolescent males who are in dire need of female companionship.

Today's Fights:

1. Hugh Hefner Vs. Thousands of Bees (Hefner gets a pesticide gun):

One's every man's dream: rich, cool, and surrounded by beautiful women. The other's a swarm of deadly insects aiming to take him down. Has the founder of Playboy magazine finally met his match? To make things a little more even, we'll give Hef a gun that shoots a pesticide blend. It should take out about 50 bees per shot. But all the viagra and silicone in the world won't stop a tremendous swarm of killer bees (i think...). Fight ends with the bees delivering enough stings to Hefner's body that he is killed almost instantly. In his honor, his family begins the "Hugh Hefner Society to Test Bee Resistance Against Viagra and Silicone."

2. Larry David Vs. Chewbacca:

Wookiees are known for their incredible strength, often ripping the arms off their board-game opponents. Jews are not. Wookiees are 6-8 feet tall. Jews are not. Wookiees have retractable claws. Jews might. Things aren't looking good for Larry. But wait! There's hope yet! Little does Chewbacca know that Larry David has the power of wit. Digging deep into his comedic bag o' tricks, Larry pulls out a joke about two Sandpeople that walk into a Cantina. Chewbacca is paralyzed with deep, Wookiee laughter, and out of gratitude for Larry's gift, pledges him a "Wookiee Life Debt" (For those of you who don't know, wookiees are very appreciative toward those who help them. It is a well-known fact in the Star Wars universe. Don't judge me.)

3. Me Vs. My Own Loneliness

You decide.

A Response to Holy Cross

| 3 Comments | 4516 Views | Back to top | Posted on 12/17/2006 at 02:33 PM

As the summer of my freshman year of college drew to a close, I received an e-mail from my school (The College of the Holy Cross). It is quite the religious school, so it's very concerned with its students' spiritual state. The e-mail asked me about what I planned to do with my "faith" in the coming year. I'm not religious at all, so these kinds of e-mails seem slightly ridiculous to me. So ridiculous in fact that I fantasize about writing back to whatever nun sent this and freaking her the fuck out. Here's text from email and what I wish I could say back:

Dear Holy Cross Student, _As you embark on your sophomore year, we would like you to consider some questions about yourself and your faith.

How do you want to grow this year?

Me: Bigger Than Jesus.

How are you going to give back to this community?

Me: Does giving a homeless guy a blanket infected with small pox count as giving back?

Any old habits you want to break?

Me: Stop molesting children.

Any new ones you'd like to cultivate?

Me: Start molesting adults.

Have you given any thought to your relationship with God?

Me: I don't believe in God, hence my ability to molest whoever I want without fear of spiritual repercussions.

Whether you are a deeply religious person or you've never given a single thought to developing a relationship with god, you are the person we want. Think about growing in (or even starting) a relationship with god.

Me: You talk a lot about a relationship with God. Are you in a casual hookup relationship with God where you make out sometimes, and now you want him to settle down but he likes fucking nuns on the side too much? You must hate those penguin-lookin' bitches.

What new challenges would you like to take on?

Me: I've always wanted to kick a nun in the uterus. Hopefully it would make her barren. She won't be using it anyway, plus it would be like a test of her faith. If she's really married to God she won't cry like a little bitch.

We Pray that the rest of your summer is everything you desire it to be.

Me: Thank you for praying that i will get to masturbate as much as humanly possible. So far, so good. In fact, I'm doing it right now! Your prayers have been answered!

Alex On the Movies

| 0 Comments | 2829 Views | Back to top | Posted on 10/13/2006 at 02:36 PM

I have seen several posters for the new Robin Williams movie Man of the Year, and and would like to tell you what I thought of it. However, I have yet to see the movie, and probably will never do so. Will this stop me from reviewing it? Of course not. Ill simply do what I always do when I want to talk about a movie I havent seen: read the blurbs from critics and the imdb profile.

Reading what a few critics have to say is key when reviewing a movie you haven't seen. how else will you know if the movie is good or bad? You can't just stab in the dark, you need a few hints. For example, Eleanor Ringel Gillespie calls it &a toothless political satire& This tells me that the film tries to have a biting effect by making statements about the government (especially the bush administration), but ultimately falls flat. Ty Burr of the Boston Globe says &as to be one of the most frustrating dropped balls in recent multiplex memory. Apparently this thing really really sucked. Ive got to remember to tell people that next time I want to sound smart or harshly indict Robin Williams. Dezhda Mountz of E! Online says Entire chunks of the film go by with zero belly laughs& What the hell did you think? When has Robin Williams been funny as of late? Hes had so many not funny movies that he started making dramas. In the past year, hes cranked out RV, and started production on Mrs. Doubtfire 2. Leave it to a forgotten has-been to wring a sequel out of a cross-dressing movie.

Now onto the imdb profile. Robin Williams is the star. Its a comedy. Moving on. Christopher Walken is in it. That means hell show up halfway through the movie (probably with stories of something necessary to the plot shoved in his ass) give a random speech (about the thing that used to be in his ass), then leave to cash his check. Barry Levinson directs. Lately, Levinson seems to be chasing his old works such as Wag the Dog and Rain Man. The director of Rain Man is appropriate, because he is the best man suited to film a retard. As of late, hes cranked out such turds as Envy (a film coincidentally about dog shit). He also did Good Morning, Vietnam. Good morning Barry Levinson, you suck!

The official rating: 2 out of 5 stars. Why 2? 3 is too many because I know the movie sucks, but 1 is too little because I dont actually know it sucked. 2 stars ensures my ability to look like I am a reputable film snob, while minimizing damage if I am wrong. Now that I have taught you my ways, go forth, and appear important!

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