As the summer of my freshman year of college drew to a close, I received an e-mail from my school (The College of the Holy Cross). It is quite the religious school, so it's very concerned with its students' spiritual state. The e-mail asked me about what I planned to do with my "faith" in the coming year. I'm not religious at all, so these kinds of e-mails seem slightly ridiculous to me. So ridiculous in fact that I fantasize about writing back to whatever nun sent this and freaking her the fuck out. Here's text from email and what I wish I could say back:
Dear Holy Cross Student, _As you embark on your sophomore year, we would like you to consider some questions about yourself and your faith.
How do you want to grow this year?
Me: Bigger Than Jesus.
How are you going to give back to this community?
Me: Does giving a homeless guy a blanket infected with small pox count as giving back?
Any old habits you want to break?
Me: Stop molesting children.
Any new ones you'd like to cultivate?
Me: Start molesting adults.
Have you given any thought to your relationship with God?
Me: I don't believe in God, hence my ability to molest whoever I want without fear of spiritual repercussions.
Whether you are a deeply religious person or you've never given a single thought to developing a relationship with god, you are the person we want. Think about growing in (or even starting) a relationship with god.
Me: You talk a lot about a relationship with God. Are you in a casual hookup relationship with God where you make out sometimes, and now you want him to settle down but he likes fucking nuns on the side too much? You must hate those penguin-lookin' bitches.
What new challenges would you like to take on?
Me: I've always wanted to kick a nun in the uterus. Hopefully it would make her barren. She won't be using it anyway, plus it would be like a test of her faith. If she's really married to God she won't cry like a little bitch.
We Pray that the rest of your summer is everything you desire it to be.
Me: Thank you for praying that i will get to masturbate as much as humanly possible. So far, so good. In fact, I'm doing it right now! Your prayers have been answered!