Comedians! Want to email every college booker in the country?

A Response to Holy Cross

| 3 Comments | 4517 Views | Back to top | Posted on 12/17/2006 at 02:33 PM

As the summer of my freshman year of college drew to a close, I received an e-mail from my school (The College of the Holy Cross). It is quite the religious school, so it's very concerned with its students' spiritual state. The e-mail asked me about what I planned to do with my "faith" in the coming year. I'm not religious at all, so these kinds of e-mails seem slightly ridiculous to me. So ridiculous in fact that I fantasize about writing back to whatever nun sent this and freaking her the fuck out. Here's text from email and what I wish I could say back:

Dear Holy Cross Student, _As you embark on your sophomore year, we would like you to consider some questions about yourself and your faith.

How do you want to grow this year?

Me: Bigger Than Jesus.

How are you going to give back to this community?

Me: Does giving a homeless guy a blanket infected with small pox count as giving back?

Any old habits you want to break?

Me: Stop molesting children.

Any new ones you'd like to cultivate?

Me: Start molesting adults.

Have you given any thought to your relationship with God?

Me: I don't believe in God, hence my ability to molest whoever I want without fear of spiritual repercussions.

Whether you are a deeply religious person or you've never given a single thought to developing a relationship with god, you are the person we want. Think about growing in (or even starting) a relationship with god.

Me: You talk a lot about a relationship with God. Are you in a casual hookup relationship with God where you make out sometimes, and now you want him to settle down but he likes fucking nuns on the side too much? You must hate those penguin-lookin' bitches.

What new challenges would you like to take on?

Me: I've always wanted to kick a nun in the uterus. Hopefully it would make her barren. She won't be using it anyway, plus it would be like a test of her faith. If she's really married to God she won't cry like a little bitch.

We Pray that the rest of your summer is everything you desire it to be.

Me: Thank you for praying that i will get to masturbate as much as humanly possible. So far, so good. In fact, I'm doing it right now! Your prayers have been answered!


Posted on 12/18/2006 at 11:10 AM by Tommy something or another

I like your answers. I won't encourage you to send 'em in 'cause administrators often check their humour in at the front desk when clocking in.

BTW, to insert paragraph breaks, insert the "

" symbol without the quote marks.

dang, quote marks won't protect it...
Posted on 12/18/2006 at 11:12 AM by Tommy something or another

use this, <> with a "p" in the middle to do your paragraph breaks.

Good and evil
Posted on 12/22/2006 at 10:02 AM by Calin Georgia

There were these guys I know...on'e a hippy, with long hair that plays the guitar in public too often...and the other one's a hevy metal guy, thrash...whatever has growls in it, it's his style.the first one's nickname was Jessus, and the second's was Satan.Real story.They were drinking buddies.they used to stand in the street playing...Jessus was playing the guitar and Satan held out the guitar case for true story

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