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Fathers' Day

| 0 Comments | 6690 Views | Back to top | Posted on 06/17/2012 at 03:46 PM

Today is Fathers' Day, which my dad is celebrating by spending his 22,635th night with my mom.

Some Recent Jokes That Didn't Sell

| 0 Comments | 6974 Views | Back to top | Posted on 01/20/2012 at 04:11 AM

Newt Gingrich is accusing Mitt Romney of raising taxes on the blind by charging them ten dollars to receive a Certificate of Blindness. Even worse? He just took their ten dollars and sent them blank sheets of paper.

Dunkin' Donuts announced that it plans to double its number of stores over the next 20 years. Also announcing plans to double in size? Your ass.

Have you heard that travel agents started selling flights into space? They're only $200,000. Plus $25 for each checked bag, oh, and the million dollar "Return to Earth" fee.

Political experts are saying that the other candidates went easy on Mitt Romney in yesterday's debate because they're hoping he'll pick them for vice president. I guess this explains the bouquet of roses Romney got last night from a confused Joe Biden.

Last week a Rhode Island man purchased a winning lottery ticket at a neighborhood strip club. Or as he put it to his wife? Honey, I've got some good news, and some bad news...

Yesterday's Republican debate was co-sponsored by facebook. So to attract the youth vote Newt Gingrich updated his status, from "married" to "it's complicated" to "If she's got cancer I'm out of here."

The Fox Network said they're planning to start airing cartoons on Saturday nights. Fox is famous for cartoons like The Simpsons, Futurama and Fox News.

In one of the weekend presidential debates former ambassador to China Jon Huntsman spoke a few words of Chinese. Not to be outdone Ron Paul delivered his rebuttal entirely in Romulan.

Iran has warned the U.S. not to send our aircraft carriers into the Persian Gulf. Of course as soon as they realized how much oil those ships burn they said "Hey, how fast can you get here?"

Doctors report that the number of twins being born has doubled since 1980. Not doubling since 1980? Your chance of hitting that.

Random Musings from the Past Month or so

| 0 Comments | 6987 Views | Back to top | Posted on 07/27/2011 at 05:24 PM

Greece's credit rating just downgraded from "Fat Chance" to muffled whimpering.

OK, NY State Legislature, now that gay people can get married, what's next? People marrying cartoon characters? Because I've got the hots for Lisa Simpson (the adult Lisa Simpson).

American Rifleman magazine outsells Golf Magazine. I think I'm okay with that.

I tried ordering dinner in French. The waiter brought me a toy dinosaur and a pair of scissors.

For those of you who don't know, when a woman's on-line profile says "Smokes only when drinking" it means she's always drinking.

Just spoke to someone who didn't know that NYC is the center of the universe. She didn't even believe me when I told her that this is Mesopotamia, where life started. That the Garden of Eden was on 58th Street.

Today's Wisdom: Women whose on-line profiles say they're equally comfortable in a five star hotel as in a tent in the woods, aren't.

You'd think cops would be used to dealing with lawyer-types

| 0 Comments | 7430 Views | Back to top | Posted on 12/05/2010 at 06:51 PM

Upon entering my house for something that wasn't about me

Officer: Is there a gun in your house?

Me: Yes, right now there is.

Officer: What type of gun?

Me: Not sure, some sort of semi-automatic.

Officer: You're not sure what type?

Me: I'd guess a nine, with a large-capacity clip.

Officer: You'd GUESS?

Me: Not an expert on guns.

Officer: You have a gun but you don't know anything about it?

Me: I never said I had a gun.

Officer: When I asked if you had a gun you said yes.

Me: No, that's not what you asked.

Officer: I said Did you have a gun and you said yes-

Me (interrupting): No, you asked if there were a gun in your house.

Officer: You said you live alone, so whose gun is it?

Me: No again. You asked if there were a gun in the house and I said yes.

Officer: So where is this gun?

Me: In your holster.
(upon seeing the cop look pretty pissed off)
And I hope it stays there.

Officer: You know what I meant!

Me: I'm not a mind-reader; I responded accurately to your questions. And don't fault me if you didn't ask the questions you meant to ask. Be glad it's me, now, and not a lawyer when you're on the stand testifying in an important case.

Officer: Have a nice day, sir.

Me: It's night-time; it's 11:45, the day's almost over. But thanks, you too. Drive safely, hope you resolve whatever you came here for.

Latest sillinesses

| 0 Comments | 7238 Views | Back to top | Posted on 11/23/2010 at 02:07 PM

American Airlines is lowering the cost of in-flight drinks by a dollar. But as always, pilots drink free.

Oprah's thinking about buying a house in NY or NJ. Or she may just buy NJ.

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