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Jody Kerns On The View

| 0 Comments | 1911 Views | Back to top | Posted on 06/07/2013 at 04:12 AM

Jody Kerns performed on The View earlier this year.

50 States

| 0 Comments | 7308 Views | Back to top | Posted on 12/08/2009 at 05:06 AM

Have you ever seen the sun at 3am or swam 30 yards from a wild humpback whale? Perhaps you never rode in an American rickshaw in Key West, so you didn't have to walk to Hemingway's.

Then I'm not even going to try and explain to you how Maine is different. You'd have to have been there to see that they got the political, and geographical border of Maine correct. It's just a little different in Maine. As soon as you cross the border you'll see and feel how it has a different energy. You could be standing in New Hampshire and look across the water and actually see Maine. The people of Maine are different too. Just like people from the U.P. of Michigan.

How could I tell you that I've seen, a summer day in February in Alabama, jagged mountains and waterfalls in West Virginia, The St. Louis Arch, a frozen door knob in Illinois, is that rainbow going from Idaho right into Washington State?, a hot botanist at The Saddle Ranch, I forgot the sun would be up at 11am when I left Drais in Las vegas, Dallas just ends instantly, after all the hate, them klansman were actually kinda funny in Oklahoma, I adored cruise control in Kansas, big horn sheep crossing in South Dakota, Was that the Pope in Denver? hmm... must've missed him, a private beach in Mississippi right before the worst quarter in New Orleans, thank god Joe had a gun, I've seen Lake Hartwell almost dried up and almost overflowing, a Shoney's breakfast Buffet in North Carolina comes with a show at no extra charge, but Jersey stinks and is awesome at the same time.

These are the things you see right before you leave a bare plate of bones on your plate at Charles Vergo's in Memphis, TN, because you know tomorrow you can have Chili in Cincinnati, if I can't pump my gas in Oregon how do you expect me to eat there? I may have had a tub of peanut butter stuffed pretzels in the car, but you didn't know that! Italian food is good in Providence, so don't worry if you missed pizza in New Haven. A thick milkshake will make a long drive bearable sometimes so you can try all the delicious foods in the country. That's why I'll get a vanilla milkshake at a steak 'n shake in Indiana, this way by the time I can get to a Culver's in Wisconsin, I know I can get a burger with real cheese. Would you eat chips and salsa in New Mexico? Of course you would, you're not stupid, you'd obviously have a hamburger or a steak in Nebraska, same as you would a slice of N.Y pizza, or crabcakes in Maryland, I wanna find the retard that's gonna visit Philly and not go to Geno's Steaks.

I feel bad for a state that doesn't have a food it's known for. No one's ever going to go on a gastronomic journey in North Dakota. People won't flock to Arkansas to something they can't get elsewhere.

Seeing Arizona only at night, knowing I was passing right over the grand Canyon and couldn't look in really messed with me. Can you imagine being in it's presence but not able to look at it? I just had to feel it silently to myself. I feel better at least passing through Delaware in the night, silently like a ninja, Delaware don't bother me, I don't bother it. Some states I've merely slipped through, honestly, I just briefly crossed into Wyoming and got gas, not for my stomach, for a rental. I spent 10 hours in Utah, shot clear across Iowa on a dare, and have been known to slip through Vermont under the veil of night, with nothing more of than a whisper of sexy coeds at The University of Burlington saying "thank you". But Montana will not let you pass undetected, she greets you with jagged mountains to the west, and harsh wind-fucked plains on the east, either way, when you get to Montana, plan on staying a bit.

Mark Twain wrote "Travel is fatal to prejudice...", if you think you can go to southern Georgia and not meet a ultra-liberal, non bible beating, gun hater, then you know that you can find the most ig'nint, sister-fucker in Boston. Some parts of Louisville feel like the East Village & St. Paul is practically crunching, while Virginia keeps doing it's thing.

But now I'm sure you'll understand that when I was in Belle Fouche, South Dakota, which is the geographical center of the United States, I realized if I stepped out of the car and did a three-sixty, indeed the country would revolve around me.

| 0 Comments | 1913 Views | Back to top | Posted on 07/11/2009 at 04:12 AM

Comedy Down on the Suwannee River with Jody Kerns.

Saturday, July 18th.  At the Spirit of the Suwannee Music Park.

Jody Kerns at Calgary Funny Fest

| 0 Comments | 1909 Views | Back to top | Posted on 07/11/2009 at 04:12 AM

This is me performing at the Stampede Casino.  The event was the Calgary Funny Fest back in May.

Jody Kerns

| 0 Comments | 1917 Views | Back to top | Posted on 07/01/2009 at 04:12 AM

Jody Kerns is a professional comedian, writer and actress.

Comedian Dorell Green
A good laugh heals a lot of hurt.

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